The Smidgin

The other day Anna posed a question to me: “why do we not ‘double click’ much anymore with our mouse?”  It’s a good question.  When was the last time that you double clicked on something?  Or, to be more exact, when was the last time you double clicked on something other than to open up a file in Explorer or the Finder? Read the rest of this entry »

It’s not uncommon for me to joke about my “special powers” with computers.  I’ve been called a “computer demigod” and told that I have “the best computer karma in the office.”  Of course, it’s exactly that, a joke; computers treat everyone the same.  But then sometimes things happen that make me wonder if some of us really do have a special ability with the ghastly things.

Today, for example, a friend came over who had told me his computer wouldn’t turn on.  Whenever he pushed the power button it would beep a little pattern and then turn off again.  That sounded distinctly like the RAM or processor had gone bad.  When I opened up his laptop and pushed the power button, however, it started up just as cheerful as ever!  Perhaps I have a healing touch for computers…

Another friend asked me to come look at her printer, which hadn’t worked for weeks.  I walk in the door of the room and, no joke, the printer starts printing the document she had sent to the queue earlier.  Perhaps I don’t even have to touch them… it’s just my presence.

I think one of my professors may have summed it up best:

Everything depends on hard work.  Anyone can succeed.  When it comes to playing the trumpet, or the violin, or soccer, or academics, or computers… well, I don’t know if I’ll go that far, some of you have an uncanny ability with those things… but everything else: hard work is all that matters.

Well, the computer support department I work for has successfully made it through the massive workload that the beginning of a school year entails. I thought I would share some choice quotes here. We’ll start with the customers with complexes:

Me: Computer support, how can I help you?
Customer: My wireless isn’t working
Me: What sort of computer is this?
Customer: I’m sorry, I have a laptop.
Me (in head): What are you apologizing for?
Me (out loud): A windows PC?
Customer: I don’t know… I’m so horrible.
Me (in head): You’ve got a problem, lady.
Me (out loud): Does it have a start menu in the bottom left?
Customer: A start menu?
Me: Is there a button that says “Start” on it?
Customer: Uh… yes…
Me (in head): OK, now we’re getting somewhere…

Lady, just because you don’t understand your computer, doesn’t mean you’re a horrible person. Of course, at least you told me your name, unlike another guy:

“Hi, my name is—well it doesn’t matter.”

I’m sure it doesn’t matter at all, and you’re an absolutely worthless person. But I’d still appreciate it if you’d introduce yourself.

Then there are those who just get a little mixed up…

I recently changed my ISP from IE to FoxFire…

By “ISP” you mean “web browser” and by “FoxFire” you mean “Firefox.” Luckily, I speak customer-ese. I don’t however, always understand:

Customer: The link in the web browser doesn’t connect to everybody’s email. Do you know what I mean?
Me (in head): I have absolutely no clue.
Me (out loud): Not entirely.

And those who both get a little mixed up, and try to self-diagnose the problem:

Customer: I think I’ve got a virus.
Me: OK.
Customer: You know, the one everyone’s getting. It started happening after we installed that thing on our computers?
Me: What thing?
Customer: You know, in the corner, that little triangle…
Me: You mean, the blue shield?
Customer: Yeah, that! I think in gave me a virus.
Me: Well, that’s Sophos Antivirus, so if it gave you a virus, we’ve got problems. Let me look at it.

Of course, perhaps I should be happy that they’re trying. It’s better than the oh-so-common problem:

Customer: My computer has problems.
(Pause)
Me: What sort of problems?
Customer: Well, you know, the program doesn’t connect.
Me: Why don’t you explain to me what you’re trying to do.

So that is what I mean by the joys of tech support. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to mock our customers. I understand that I just happen to know more about computers than they do. When I try to talk to the mechanic about my car, he probably laughs at me. And that’s the point—sometimes you just have to laugh.