One would like to think that graduating from college represents not only an increase in academic knowledge, but also a major advance in social refinement. Unfortunately the strain of being suddenly uprooted from the past four years of one’s life, bodily moved halfway across the country, and suddenly deposited in unfamiliar living quarters seems to have negative effects on proper etiquette. Specifically, the inability to locate silverware in the four dozen boxes strewn across a new apartment does little to deter one from still eating cereal. Probably has something to do with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
Having managed to locate the bowls in a box marked “everyday china,” and recognizing that the hunger gnawing the pit of your stomach is not about to capitulate to even the most concerted reasoning, you proceed as best possible. The first course of action that comes to mind is to pour the cereal and milk into the bowl and then eat it with your hands, but somehow this seems much too uncivilized. Obviously the only way to proceed while maintaining any dignity, in an apartment devoid of any other living soul, is to try slurping from the edge of the bowl.
Unfortunately the bowl is rather too flat to make slurping much good for getting anything into your mouth other than milk and you abandon it after a few gulps. The cereal seems to be taunting you and in the desperation of hunger you threaten refinement with defenestration. It occurs to you next that dogs manage to lick up their food, even liquid food, with their tongues. While not by any means civilized, it is at least better than shoveling the cereal into your mouth with your hands. When you try it, however, it becomes evident that you will never get more than one piece of cereal into your mouth at a time.
As you begin to despair of ever eating your meal, or retaining your dignity, your muse happily visits you with the idea that you might be able to pick up your cereal using suction power. Brilliant! This is by far the most successful endeavor yet and you proceed to munch happily away. Sadly, no state of affairs is perfect and a few serious flaws quickly become evident. The first flaw is that pieces of cereal have a nasty habit of attempting to get down the wrong pipe, which does not make for a particularly pleasant sensation. Close on the heels of this problem is that constantly inhaling is becoming somewhat tiresome. Finally, you have had to compromise your heretofore dry face by sticking the tip of your nose and chin into the milk to create enough suction to lift the cereal from its dairy grave.
By now, of course, you realize how hopeless the entire situation is. Having fallen from drinking at the edge of the bowl to licking its contents to inhaling the cereal, and with milk begining to accumulate on your chin, it becomes clear that it is time to discard all respectability. Thankfully dignity has the decency to leave the room before you have to throw her out. Left in peace, you plunge your whole head into the bowl, wallowing in milk and cereal as you savor the food. Upon completing the meal, with milk dripping from your face, you reflect that men were not blessed with an easy means to eat without utensils. You also reflect, though with as little thought as possible, on the ignominy brought upon you by graduating from college.
